Do the Potty Wheeze!

*Warning, the following post contains parental content, by which I mean that I am a parent and as such, there are times when I have to talk about my kid's poop. Sorry, that's just the way it is. If you don't want to hear about it, feel free to stop reading now.*

So I'm sick, as I may have mentioned. Yesterday I lost my voice completely and developed a really impressive gasping, painful kind of wheeze that had me propped up with pillows and stealing hits off of an inhaler prescribed for Eden ages ago and never used until now. This morning the breathing is better, but I still nestled my ass firmly on the couch after delivering Skylar to school and let Eden entertain herself by terrorizing the cats and eating handfuls of dry Lucky Charms from the box.

This system worked pretty well for us for an hour or two, until Eden came over to me yelling "Mommy, Mommy. Poop!" and making the "change diaper" sign with her hands. So I dragged my heavy carcass off of the couch and headed upstairs to the change table. I shoved off the cat (who was hiding from Eden) and unsnapped her diaper to find...nothing. It took my fever addled mind a while to process this. WTF child? There is no poop at all, why did you make me get up? Then a totally outlandish idea occurred to me.
"Eden, do you have to poop?" I rasped. "Do you want to poop on the potty?"
She nodded at me in her grave, wide-eyed way.
"OK, OK hang on!" I whispered.

Now, this kid has been utterly uninterested in the whole potty training scene. She has never made the slightest tinkle in the potty and looks rather scandalized and affronted when we suggest it. The potty has been sitting in the bathroom for months, but seeing as how she used to cry at the sight of it, it became more of a secondary towel rack. I flung the towels off of it and sat Eden down.
"OK, big girl" I croaked "Go ahead, make poo poo in the potty"
"Mama potty" She commanded, pointing at the toilet. So I sat.
"No, no pants!" Fine. I'll sit on my potty, you sit on yours. Will you please go poop now?

And she did!

Then she stood up, pointed into the pot and proclaimed "EEEWWW!"

Still pretty surprised, I made every effort to cheer and praise, but with the state of my voice it probably came out a little more scary and growly and demonic than happy, and it was punctuated with gasping coughing spells. Perhaps this is how people develop anal complexes. She never cracked a smile, just kept saying "Eew" and waving bye bye to her turd as it swirled down the john.

I (rather optimistically) let her run bare until nap time, but there was no repeat performance. Before nap I tried to put a diaper on her and boy was she ever pissed about that! So I went with a pair of training pants and I've resigned myself to changing the sheets when she gets up.

*Sob* my baby's growing up. And I just bought that Blueberry Minky diaper too!

My Hero

Eden: Dude, you're upside down. That is the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Skylar: Yes, I rock. Feel free to bask in my glory.


Eden: How is this accomplished? This doesn't seem quite right.
Skylar: Nice try, Idiot.


Skylar: Here, need a little manual assistance?
Eden: Fuckin' A!

Skylar: I'm gonna let go now, try not to break your neck, m'k?
Eden: Best. Day. Ever!

Eden: TA DA! We kick ass.
Skylar: And next I'll let you eat the goldfish crumbs my hair picks up while I'm down here.

Not the brightest Crayon in the box.

As you have no doubt noticed, my English is fairly lax. I certainly won't claim that this blog has been free from errors when it comes to spelling, punctuation, sentence structure and so on, but here's the thing: I'm doing this for my own personal amusement. It's not like it's my job to teach people to read or anything.

Every month Skylar's Kindergarten teacher sends home a newsletter, and every month the back of my neck scrunches up and my fingers itch to grab a big red pen and correct the hell out of that sumbitch and send it back in to school. I restrain myself because I don't want this person to know what a bitch I am and somehow take it out on my kid, so instead I think I will do some virtual editing. The following are some excerpts from the most recent newsletters. Bear in mind they are being written by a TEACHER not a student, and even though it's a french immersion class, English IS this woman's native tongue. The black will be direct quotations, the red is me.

February

We have enjoyed a wonderful month of January. We had lots of sunny days and studied penguins. Perhaps: January has been a wonderful month. Why the hell are sunny days and penguins in the same sentence? They HAD studied penguins? Maybe leftover penguins from some research facility were shipped in and served to the children at a BBQ on one of those sunny days?

We will be having a card exchange opportunity. That's a cheerful way to trade Valentines. Attached are a simple card template Just one IS attached.

The celebration's will take place on Feb.....celebrations

Anyone who would like to join us is more then welcome! Anyone? Really? Grandparents, cousins, the pedophile down the street? Sure! Anyone is more THAN welcome.

March

Everyday children receive a choice of three healthy items first thing in the morning. The everyday children get a choice, the special ones have to eat whatever they're given.

...the students have been asked to give something up for 24 hours. They have been asked to find a $2.00 sponsor to do so. The sponsor has to give something up? AND pay 2$? What a rip off!

Micheal Mitchell is coming to our school...He is a famous Canadian Musician. This one's not technically incorrect, it's just a lie. If he were really famous she wouldn't have to tell us who he is. Can you name me a Micheal Mitchell song? No, didn't think so.

And last but not least I will copy the entire paragraph under the rather ironic heading "Literacy" Anyone who can spot all the mistakes gets a gold star.

Literacy

The past few months, as we read stories, we would always ask good questions. Questions, help children develop their comprehension skills and strategies. Often, Kindergarten students ask "I wonder..." questions before turning the page. Try this at home when reading stories together. We will be continuing with questions, but also beginning to study visualizing. An more simpler way to explain this concept to young children, is to play a CD story (or read a story without looking at the pictures) and have them create a DVD (or the movie) in their mind. The students have enjoyed comparing their mental pictures as we have started developing this skill.

Take THAT English!

And now for some pictures that have nothing to do with this post but, you know ...cuuuute.

Elmo diaper! Gah! The cuteness, it burrrrrns!

So now I knit!

You may have noticed I haven't posted anything in a while. Why is this? Because I am a freak and when I get a new project in my head I don't let go until I have drained every last ounce of life from it. The project of the moment: Knitting soakers and longies! Oh yes, didn't you know I was 67 years old? Wool diaper covers kick ass, but they are stupidly expensive so I learned to knit. Take that 60$ Llamajamas! Look what I made:

I made this soaker from a decaying old pattern book of my Grandmas. I have no idea what it's called and it kind of sucks because the crotch is too narrow and doesn't cover a diaper completely.This one is from a free on-line pattern simply called Jenny's Soaker. It was easy, but it's not pretty.

These were my first longies. Made from the Tiny Bird Soaker Pants pattern. I liked them so much I made two:

Then I made some more soakers, but I looked at a bunch of free patterns then picked out which parts I liked and simplified the whole thing and came up with my very own EdenSky original soaker pattern. TaDA! I'm totally having visions of opening my own etsy shop now. My dorkiness knows no bounds, but dude I made these!

Why yes, there was a sale on burgundy and teal wool, why do you ask?

16$ for babylegs and huggalugz? I think not.

Here's how you can make your own funky and functional baby leggings instead of making an ass of yourself by paying for the same babylegs everyone else has.


1. Get some woman's knee-high socks. This size fits my baby and my 5 year old equally well.












2. Chop off the heels and toes so that you're left with 2 tubes, one long and one short.











3. Take the shorter tube (formerly the foot) and fold it into itself so that you have a ring 2 layers thick. This would be a great cuff, if only babies didn't have such cute little feet, but since they do: you have to make it tighter if you don't want it falling down over their toes.









4. Cut out a strip about 3/4 of an inch wide, then sew the ring back together. Adjust this depending on how chunky or skinny your baby is.
Once it's sewn back into a ring turn it right side out, so the seam is on the inside.










5. Take the long tube (formerly the leg) and flip it inside out. Then insert the cuff you just made into the cut end so that all the raw edges line up. Now you have a tube 3 layers thick at one end.

6. Sew the 3 layers together all around the ring. Stretch the fabric as you go to make up for the fact that the small ring is narrower than the long one and to keep it stretchy.

7. Reach into the long tube and pull down the cuff and voila, a legwarmer. Repeat steps 1-7 if your child has 2 legs.

P.S. the cuff you made goes at the bottom, Daddy still has trouble with this part.

How to dye wool with kool-aid

I really like cloth diapers (Not in a kinky way you freaks) I especially like bamboo diapers with wool covers, although my stash includes just about every other type of diaper on the market, and for those of you not familiar with the world of cloth diapering that's A LOT.



The best combo for over night is a Bamboozle fitted diaper with an Aristocrats wool cover. Mooch has been sleeping in this set-up since she was about 3 months old. The only problem is this team is pricey: 20$+ for the dipe and 30$ for the cover. Therefor I have exactly 3 diapers and 1 cover that I have used in rotation for the past year. Now, after a year of being used almost every night my Aristocrat was getting decidedly yellowed (why, oh why do they only make them in white anyway?) and the regular Eucalan wash and sunlight treatment just wasn't cutting it anymore. I was scared to use bleach or oxyclean on an expensive cover so I decided to take some kool-aid to it and refresh it that way.



The results:

I think it looks great.

So, here's my method so I can remember it for later:

Get a big pot of room temperature water. Add 2 packets of Kool-aid in your choice of colour, but remember that the colour of the packet does not necessarily represent the colour of the juice. I don't actually drink Kool-aid so I was a little surprised to see red powder come out of the bright blue packet I had picked out but I figured what the hell, red's cool too. Mix until the powder's all dissolved. Do NOT add sugar. Add a bit of vinegar. Put in the wool (or any other natural fabric). Stir until the fabric is saturated to prevent colour pooling. Put the pot on the stove and turn on low heat. Stir every few minutes. Gradually increase to medium-low heat. Heat changes must be gradual in order to prevent felting. Keep stirring occasionally. It's done when all the colour has left the water, or for those lacking patience like myself, whenever you think it looks good or when you're tired of stirring, but remember it will look a bit lighter when dry. Turn off the heat and allow to cool. Gently squeeze out excess water and hang or lay flat to dry.

TA-DA looks like new. Better than new if you're not a fan of off-white.

The disappointing part is that I really can't fit Mooch into this size small any more, but hey, it was a learning experience.

Next project: Making Goober's hair purple with the packet she picked out.